This post comes from a very difficult place but I feel like I finally have reached a place when I can talk about it.
I haven’t updated in a while and I know this happens alot and I swear it will never happen again blah blah blah..
but I took my dad to hospital on July 15th, 4 days before my birthday as he had trouble breathing… the events that followed have completely destroyed my heart and soul.
My dad who suffers with Alzheimer’s and diagnosed with Diabetes was having issues breathing and so I made him go to A&E. when we got to our local hospital there was no A&E department but a nursed checked him over and called an ambulance. it was at the Hospital with an A&E department that we found out my dad was having an Hyperglycaemic episode which was triggered by a minor heart attack a couple days before. there was fluid on his lungs from the complications and before they could do anything the fluid had to go. he was kept in hospital for the next few days, my birthday I went to see him, he seemed fine, his normal happy self, he had a little issue when he go caught up in the wires monitoring his heart but he was overall okay, the fluid just about gone he was ready to have someone look at his heart to help make it stronger.
The next day on July 20th my dad was rushed into Theatre after suffering a much larger heart attack and that it when he passed away, his heart would not start again. I got to the hospital with my sister and a nurse sat us down and told us that they did everything that they could but he didn’t make it. It was in that moment that I just felt my whole life crumble and disappear before me.
My dad was one of a kind, he raised 2 girls on his own. I was 11 months old when our mum left and my dad was my whole world, when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s he protested he was fine but I couldn’t leave him, I had to make sure he was taking his medication and attending appointments.
Losing my dad is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience and we’re nearly a month on and everyday I feel my heart break more and more. I’m still hoping someone will tell me this is all just a bad dream and he’ll be here when I get home from work.
I never realised someone could feel this broken.
I am trying to heal so in this time I don’t know where I’m going fitness wise, I am trying but it’s hard. I’m not making promises to be updating here.
Right now I need my friends and my family.
The last time I sat here to write it was when I was in a really bad place some 4/5 weeks ago.
I was shut off from the world and unable to get my mind away from anything, I was making myself worse by not paying attention to food and who cares if I ate chocolate it’s my body I will do what I like with it etc etc…
I know I have put weight on, by how much? I don’t know. My home scales are different to those from WeightWatchers, So It’s hard to say where I am now to where I was, But I can say that in the last 9 days I have lost 7lbs! this is the kick up the rear I really needed, I’m eating better and feeling better.
Overall I had 3 weeks off work sick due to migraines and changing medication but since then I have been in a much better place both mentally and physically this is despite Spraining my knee… This would be typical of me, My whole body moved and my knee decided to stay where it was, Had to be stubborn :p but other than that i am doing loads better, most days hitting my step goal and work is going by just fine.
so really just a quick update to say that i am doing a lot better and getting back on track.
Losing weight isn’t just about the Physical but also the Mental!!
This post is a hard one to write.
I have been in such an awful place since September. Having a seizure and ending up in hospital and temporarily losing my ability to speak has really affected me.
I have suffered with depression for some time, About 14 years or so. But these last 6 months have been awful. I hate who I am and what happens to me, The more stressed or upset I get the more my brain seems to shut down on me and it’s the scariest thing I have ever been through. A Neurologist believes I am now suffering with Migraines as a result of the seizure and I’m finally now on Beta Blockers. I had a Blood Test in January, the message I got back said that the test was ‘fine’ but Thursday on my way to work I collapsed. I went dizzy and I was gone. The first time this has happened, I was on my own and I was scared. so No work and off to the Doctor’s. The Doctor informed me my Folic Acid levels are low which he established from the test in January.
The main reason for everything I have been doing this last year is not to be skinny but to be healthy and I feel like my body and my mind is giving up on me. I’m scared and Don’t know what to do. I’m trying to eat right but I’ve taken a step back from the gym as I’m so scared to be there and for something to happen and I get hurt or worse hurt someone else.
Part of me thinks that the Doctor’s aren’t taking me seriously but I can only go by their professional opinions on what is wrong with me. Everything is linked to the seizure and I’ve always been good with words and thoughts and now I’m not… I’m not me.
All I want to do is cry and no one knows…
How can I tell people that I want to cry because my mind feels broken? There are people going through worse, this could be temporary…. but it might not be.
What can I do??