Health and Wellbeing… What Happened??

This post is a hard one to write.

I have been in such an awful place since September. Having a seizure and ending up in hospital and temporarily losing my ability to speak has really affected me.

I have suffered with depression for some time, About 14 years or so. But these last 6 months have been awful. I hate who I am and what happens to me, The more stressed or upset I get the more my brain seems to shut down on me and it’s the scariest thing I have ever been through. A Neurologist believes I am now suffering with Migraines as a result of the seizure and I’m finally now on Beta Blockers. I had a Blood Test in January, the message I got back said that the test was ‘fine’ but Thursday on my way to work I collapsed. I went dizzy and I was gone. The first time this has happened, I was on my own and I was scared. so No work and off to the Doctor’s. The Doctor informed me my Folic Acid levels are low which he established from the test in January.

The main reason for everything I have been doing this last year is not to be skinny but to be healthy and I feel like my body and my mind is giving up on me. I’m scared and Don’t know what to do. I’m trying to eat right but I’ve taken a step back from the gym as I’m so scared to be there and for something to happen and I get hurt or worse hurt someone else.

Part of me thinks that the Doctor’s aren’t taking me seriously but I can only go by their professional opinions on what is wrong with me. Everything is linked to the seizure and I’ve always been good with words and thoughts and now I’m  not… I’m not me.

All I want to do is cry and no one knows…
How can I tell people that I want to cry because my mind feels broken? There are people going through worse, this could be temporary…. but it might not be.

What can I do??

Not the week I wanted but a good result…

I lost 4Lbs!!!

not the 14 I was aiming for but I was ill for a couple days, got sent home from work and well dropping out of routine does make things worse. but I lost the 2.5 i put on and then lost a lil more.

Not too shabby 🙂

Total loss of 5Lbs so far… but i start meetings Friday 3rd Feb.

I’ve set a new goal, 10Lbs to lose in 2 weeks – before Sunday 5th Feb. those 10lbs will mean I have lost 10% of weight in 1 whole year.

Which isn’t too bad after the rubbish back and forth I had from July til now.

wish me luck… couple more weeks til a picture comparison… *gulp*

Weigh in Day…

So today was the first weigh in day since Christmas

On Christmas Day I weighed 311 Lbs

Today I weigh 307.5Lbs

I have lost 3.5lbs!!!!!!

Super happy with this as a result! 3.5lbs puts me on target for my Beginning of March Challenge…
At the start of March I am going to see my friend (the one I have mentioned on here like all the time, my personal weight loss motivator… :p ) we are going to have a day of Brownies and movies… cause why not? 🙂 but If I do not lose more than 20lbs (so 21lbs or more) which is a goal of 290 by then… I’m not allowed Brownies 😦 lol.
BUT my friend has set me another challenge to lose 5 more lbs… making a goal of:

285!!!!

I don’t know what the small incentive to brownies is going to be yet… but I do love a challenge!!!

And the weight loss challenge with my sister… I won the first weigh in 🙂

This week is a success…

Let’s keep this up!

I’m getting there Slowly…

Slowly but surely I am getting there, I have lost 5lbs since coming out of hospital, it isn’t a lot but it’s coming down and that’s the main thing.

Being out of work is causing me far more stress and has made me far more depressed that I thought it would. I’ve cancelled my gym membership as I can no longer afford it but I have been trying to get out and run and as it gets colder the want and need to stay inside in the warm is ever increasing. but I keep trying, and the craving for chocolate has started to dwindle, Diet back on track, Exercise back on track and I’ll get there.

I’m not giving up. I refuse to give up. I’ve come too far to give up now.

wouldn’t say no to having someone nag me right now…

BUT I am getting there… Slowly….

No stats week…

I’ve decided not to add my Fitbit stats this week, mainly because they are AWFUL! I had a really bad week, mostly due to the weather. When you have to walk everywhere you hate turning up to places soaked, so lack of gym, lifts to or from work has made hitting my goal harder. So this week is a fresh, it’s not been the best of starts but I think I have averaged out some stuff plus Saturday I’m travelling back to the homeland *YAY*

I do have some news to share, I was at work the other day and someone who had been on holiday for a week came back and she looked at me and said those wonderful words all of us on this journey get so excited to hear…

“wow, have you lost weight?”

I ended up grinning from ear to ear and I loved it!! A long with all you lovely people that can see a difference in my pictures, it’s a proper boost builder and lets me know that just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

If I get a chance I shall update on Saturday after weigh in (which I’m not expecting to be great this week after Family meals most of the week) otherwise It’ll be a very long update in about 11 days 🙂

Have a lovely Friday ❤

I went to the Gym, why am I not skinny yet??

CRISIS!

I’m struggling to get to the gym, I hate my job and it’s all crashing around me, still waiting for a start date on my new job and that’s kinda getting me down. All I want to do is shove my face inn a massive bowl of chocolate and only resurface for air…

BUT I WON’T!

I’ve come too far to go back now. I keep telling myself;

If Losing Weight Was Easy, Everybody Would Do It. 

I don’t want to give up, I want to keep going. I enjoy what is happening to my body and I want to be fit and healthy. Some days it feels as though it doesn’t matter what I do, it isn’t enough. I’ve lost 2 stone, which is incredible (especially for me) but There is still another 10 stone to go…

It will not happen over night, but I need something now, a new dress size, a nice comment… just something!

EXCUSES…. you DON’T belong here anymore!!

Week 1 back on it and I’ll be honest it’s not been going well…

I feel like I’m just making excuses every day, we don’t have a proper functional kitchen yet as there’s still so much furniture to build and boxes to unpack and i’m working and can’t be bothered to cook and it’s take a ways and pizza and chip shop…

I’m missing friends, some more than others, i hate my job ( but have applied for other jobs) I bought a shirt today for my interview next week, it’s 1.5 sizes bigger than I normally wear as it’s 1, not stretchy and 2, I have BOOBS… the rest of the top looks like a tent 😦

There’s one person in particular I’m missing, so much so all I can think about is trying to find a way to go back and visit them. but it seems like a million miles away and I know there will come a day when they won’t want to talk to me anymore, which when you’re 180 miles away is completely understandable.

I feel like I’m dropping into a pit, a bit where I hate where I am, who I am and all I want to do is lay in bed, watch A Little Princess and completely stuff myself silly with chocolate. which is not going to help me one bit, my weight upsets me, i get upset i just want to stuff myself and we end up in this horrible vicious circle all over again.

I’m just making constant excuses for myself and the only reason my weight isn’t going up is because of the amount of activity I have been doing. although I’ve been dropped down to 16 hours, over 4 days (urgh…) the walk from home to the station and from the station to work has really boosted my steps…

IMG_20160520_221622

These are my Fitbit Steps from this week, Mon 16th – Fri 20th The 8,770 and the 9,295 days were my days off and the 9,440 was the day I got a lift to work but made my own way home. so honestly not too bad I think. I have work again tomorrow. So now it’s just about getting my thoughts together, my diet back on track cause hell I still want to look good and feel good.

                 STOP MAKING EXCUSES KAT!!!!!!!!!