July and Hello Summer

Hello Summer,
At least there is one thing as of late the weather has been beautiful!

Getting back into the habit of going to the gym, as and when I can.

I have stopped my meetings at WW (in an attempt to save some monies) but I am continuing online only. This means my scales have changed back to the ones I had at home and as I put on weight…

I am 317lbs! that is 22st 9lbs…
Slowly going back up to where I started in Feb last year and I really don’t have an excuse for it. Depression and crap and just generally not looking after myself.

I’ve emptied my wardrobe of everything that doesn’t fit me, too big and it’s off to the charity shop, too small and it’s gone into a bag under my bed, out of sight, out of mind. (or so they say) the idea is if the there is next to nothing in my wardrobe and I cannot afford to buy new clothes then I need to look after myself.
And by that I also mean make myself accountable for everything that I do.

I will now be updating this site at least twice a week as I need to keep on top of things which means saying no when the girls at work suggest a McDonald’s Breakfast Wrap in the mornings (omg they taste so good!!!) No more trips to McDonald’s around the corner from house either…

Time to make myself accountable!

Health and Wellbeing… What Happened??

This post is a hard one to write.

I have been in such an awful place since September. Having a seizure and ending up in hospital and temporarily losing my ability to speak has really affected me.

I have suffered with depression for some time, About 14 years or so. But these last 6 months have been awful. I hate who I am and what happens to me, The more stressed or upset I get the more my brain seems to shut down on me and it’s the scariest thing I have ever been through. A Neurologist believes I am now suffering with Migraines as a result of the seizure and I’m finally now on Beta Blockers. I had a Blood Test in January, the message I got back said that the test was ‘fine’ but Thursday on my way to work I collapsed. I went dizzy and I was gone. The first time this has happened, I was on my own and I was scared. so No work and off to the Doctor’s. The Doctor informed me my Folic Acid levels are low which he established from the test in January.

The main reason for everything I have been doing this last year is not to be skinny but to be healthy and I feel like my body and my mind is giving up on me. I’m scared and Don’t know what to do. I’m trying to eat right but I’ve taken a step back from the gym as I’m so scared to be there and for something to happen and I get hurt or worse hurt someone else.

Part of me thinks that the Doctor’s aren’t taking me seriously but I can only go by their professional opinions on what is wrong with me. Everything is linked to the seizure and I’ve always been good with words and thoughts and now I’m  not… I’m not me.

All I want to do is cry and no one knows…
How can I tell people that I want to cry because my mind feels broken? There are people going through worse, this could be temporary…. but it might not be.

What can I do??

This is not an April Fool…

So here I am updating my blog for the first time in over 2 months (as it was pointed out to me… sorry 😦 )

So what’s been happening? I’ve been working long days and experiencing some issues that I believed were resulted in my hospital stay in September.

I’ve been going to WW meetings, actually being weighed by other people is scary, but I’m going, and still going, I had a few slip ups and I think that was stress, so in all I’ve lost 3lbs in the last 6 weeks,  I know it isn’t much but it’s something.

I saw my neurologist on Wednesday who thinks I’m suffering migraines which is causing all the issues i’m having so, i’m being put on medication for that. I’m so relieved. I can finally put my mind at rest.

So… This is just a quick update to say I am still here and still working on things.

And to celebrate spring… “Bikini body here I come” hahaha

🙂

What the Hell Happened?!?

So It was the 15th July the last time I was here. I said it would be 11 days to my next update After I got back from the homeland, Well It looks like I’m a big fat liar as here I am 65 days later.

Let’s cut to the chase, my week off was AWFUL, completely terrible, It’s a very long complicated story between my best friend and her now ex and her new bf… long story short, at the time of my birthday they had been split a matter of weeks, she was already seeing someone new and her and her ex were still living under the same roof… In order for me to get on with new bf my best friend had him there THE WHOLE time, I got like zero time to spend with her. Her new bf is a massive Douche, so being around him all the time stressed me out, out came the chocolate, crisps, cake and god knows whatever else. just another thing I cannot seem to switch off. But the highlight of the week was going out for dinner with an awesome friend. He even treated me for my birthday which was sweet. We went to a very nice pizza place, it was a Subway for Pizza haha. it was very nice and it was really nice to see him again, just a shame it wasn’t for long. That night I met up with some friends, went to a club and drank stupid amounts. Went out for a posh lunch the next day and by the time I got home I was scared to step on scales, I was scared to do anything and that included coming on here. I felt like I had failed myself AGAIN!!

What does any sane person do when they feel like a failure? yes, they hide. so that is what I did. Up until a couple weeks ago….

I decided I had had enough of hiding and avoiding what I was doing to myself, I stepped on the scales, I had put on 10lbs, that put me up to 295lbs. I wanted to cry and hide but then I had to remind myself, It could have been far far worse, I could be back to the 329lbs where I had started but I wasn’t. it was 10lbs and that is easy to control. I picked up my running shoes and headed down the beach, 3 times a week and got my lap down from 55min to 45min. I’m proud of that. the food side of things still need some work but I haven’t weighed myself since…

I am currently facing a massive hiccup which my help me food wise in the long run but I ended up being taken into hospital on the 5th September, Apparently I had a seizure, I say apparently because Mentally I wasn’t there… I woke up on the floor of a cafe then in an Ambulance and then again at the hospital. I lost my ability to form words which has been pretty scary at times but I’m getting there, speech is almost back to normal and I get to go home on Tuesday after 2 weeks. This set back has caused an issue for work, I was due to start at my new job on the 12th September but they have deferred it til November as I was ill. It was nice that they deferred but I am now income-less for 2 months… no gym! but on the upside I can now focus on myself, get my health back on track without having to worry about fitting it all around work for the time being.

So I think that pretty much covers it…

No more Hiding!!!